Yellow Rag

lazy blogger!

2007-04-07T23:03:00.001-05:00

just kidding.

go here instead:

http://blog.myspace.com/kenziewilsonc

The Big Move

2007-03-12T13:08:00.001-05:00

On or around April 28 my dad is coming to Chicago to load all of my junk into a UHaul and drive across the country to New York City. This will probably be a stressful trip.

On or around May 1 I will move into my new NYC apartment with my new roommate Anne. Then, around May 17, I will return to NYU via the Atlantic Theater Company.

On April 26, my first class back at UCB begins (a level 4 Harold Workshop), which is exciting and sort of funny-ironic because I will be missing the first class since I will still be in Chicago, and it is entirely possible that I will be performing my last Harold with Callous at Improv Olmypic on April 26.

After a little internal pep talk I am pumped about moving to New York. I am pumped. PUMPED. Sort of. I'm pumped for new surroundings?

When I came to Chicago I hated my classes because I considered myself a gamey-NYC-UCB improviser. I am still pretty gamey, but I will call myself a Chicago improviser from now on.

There will be a partay.

i am moving back to new york city

2007-03-10T08:11:00.001-06:00

on may 1.

more on this later.

more kings promotionals

2007-03-05T15:37:00.001-06:00

made this one this morning.

biznezz.

2007-03-03T21:50:00.001-06:00

Only the best.

jennifer hudson's joke oscar

2007-02-25T21:36:00.000-06:00

Bitch can't act, but at least she's interesting (and apparently retarded when she gets flustered). That's entertainment.

i am going home on tuesday

2007-02-23T16:44:00.001-06:00

Here is what I have to look forward to:

My neighborhood, South Tampa.

When I was 15 I was rowing a scull under this bridge. It tipped with me strapped in. It's not a good idea to try to touch any of the piles or crawl up the banks because they are covered with razor sharp barnicles. Luckily a yacht rescued me.

Hurricane fun down the street from my house.

well I think my life is funny

2007-02-15T14:52:00.001-06:00

As a child, I lied to my psychiatrist(s) on multiple occassions, with aspirations for anti-depressant prescriptions, so that I could brag to my friends..and my enemies..about my chemical imbalances.

I would grab children by the arm, hijack them into a middle school library carrol, and say

"I'm on an SSRI. Ugh. A Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. You really should know what that is." They would stare blankly if scared, look concerned if nice, or roll their eyes if they smelled bullshit.

"Anyway, I'm not crazy, I'm just.. I'm just sad! It's nothing, really! Really! But Don't...Tell... AAAAANYOOOOOOOOONE." They would shake free when I squeezed their arm too hard and force my eyes to roll back in my head. Oh Kenzie. So histrionic.

And thus began eighth grade.

Around this time I read She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb, a novel about a Barren Lard Ass Who Is Sad.

Some children cursed with moderate depth identify with Holden, but at age 12 I identified with Barren Lard Ass Who Is Sad.

This was reflected in my writing. I had just begun my first forays into experimental theater (At 12! Loser!) and was so paranoid of judgment that I could only force out cheap monologues that are very funny to me now, but were only mildly funny to me then.

"He's dead. He left this earth. And I have no idea where he has gone! To heaven? To hell? What of purgatory? You didn't know him like I did. You didn't know. HE WAS MY BROTHER."

Yes, young Kenzie, what OF purgatory? Apparently purgatory was the place to which I relegated my imagined brothers when I killed them off...in my head.

The next year I wrote some pieces about rape -- though I had not been raped, Barren Lard Ass Who Is Sad had suffered that fate.

The next year after that, I made the logical progression into multiple songs about dead babies, eating dead babies, and coat hanger abortions. I made a seven foot tall hanger to use in performance. Old habits die hard. As any member of Callous can attest, I am still fascinated by dead babies and abortions. In fact, in 2006, a Second City director tried to tell me that it was not feasible to bring a seven foot tall hanger on stage. Au contraire asshole.

I cannot be ME without large props. Cue arm squeeze and scary backwards eye roll.

Aside from convincing three psychiatrists that I was clinically depressed between 1998 and 2002, I was able to convince at least one to diagnose me with ADD, aka the poor man's ADHD and the rich man's LAZY.

I was quickly given a cure-all prescription for my fake sadness and affliction of LAZY, Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin doubles as a smoking cessation aide (under the name Zyban), so in an unabashed act of rebellion, I did the right thing and cultivated a nasty smoking habit in an effort to seem even more fucked up.

Now I do not so much identify with Barren Lard Ass Who is Sad or any other modern literary poo poo women. I read every day, but never books about ladies, because the current books about ladies make me depressed about not having highlights and a shitty job and a strict diet.

Somehow -- somehow -- books with cartoon high heels and purses on their shiny pink and green covers manage to glorify highlights (expensive!), shitty jobs (just leave!), and a strict diet (no fun). Amazing, really. But I just can't take it.

Instead, I watch tv and movies about ladies, this week returning to Sex and the City. Say what you will, it's hilarious, pretty, and shot in the most amazing city in the country.

Though currently it may seem more apropos to an outsider for me to identify with Barren Lard Ass Who Is Sad, I am actually less sad these days (real or imagined) and more neurotic.

Neurotic and happy...and I spend hours a day smoking cigarettes, chugging wine and Diet Cokes, and listening to charming French cafe music while typing away diligently on my trusty Powerbook. Neurotic and happy.

What I'm really trying to say is....

I'M A CARRIE!!

hahahahahhaha just kidding.

I am clearly a Miranda.

ahahahhahahahahah no really just kidding. What a dumb thing to say.

But really...if I had to choose..I'm a Miranda.

Addendum:
The most exciting part of the visits to psychiatrists were when I would see a school friend's parents coming out of a screaming counseling session, tear streaked and red. What kind of family goes to a psychiatrist for couples counseling? It was sure sign someone was going through pain, and though I wasn't MEAN, per se, I still got a smidgen of satisfaction upon knowing their secret.

drag kings of comedy photo shoot

2007-02-13T17:36:00.000-06:00

Some more press photos for Drag Kings...still weeding through the whole mess of them. Funny to post myself in drag on the heels of the last post.

photoshoot

my family is in a cult

2007-02-12T22:57:00.000-06:00

It's called the Free State Project.

Wikipedia says the FSP is

an agreement among 20,000 libertarian activists to move to New Hampshire, where they will exert the fullest practical effort toward the creation of a society in which the maximum role of government is the protection of life, liberty, and property. The success of the Project would likely entail reductions in taxation and regulation, reforms at all levels of government to expand individual rights and free markets, and a restoration of constitutional federalism, demonstrating the benefits of liberty to the rest of the nation and the world.

Ok.

To me the FSP is something that has absolutely overwhelmed and pervaded the Condon household since my sophomore year of high school. There were dinners with scuzzy libertarian men who owned mail order bride services, were convicted tax evaders, or were just plain fucking crazy.

I have some problems with it.

Why are so many Free Staters borderline insane?

I really cannot answer that. I have to chalk it up to libertarian philosophy's uncanny ability to attract freaks, akin to socialist philosophies' inherent magnetism for assholes.

Why are none of the men attractive?

Combination of being relatively out of touch with reality and their reliance on objectivism to get away with being hopelessly egocentric

the inability to discuss politics without going off the anarchocapitalist deepend

the relentless citation of conspiracy theories (hilarious)

the Cartoon Network sense of humor

As I look down from my very very tall horse, I see libertarian males in earth toned corduroy, shirts from Spencer's Gifts (Spongebob, perhaps), the occasional cannabis leaf tattoo, and the tendency to bark instead of speak. Really, they bark, even more than the ladies.

They..they like punk pop. And Southpark.

Did I mention I despise cartoons?

And while I'm at it: Why are the girls so pretty?

...........

Oh! Um..er..

heeHAA! won't somebody tread on me?

...........

Yeah yeah. I know. Feel free to retaliate. Hit me with your best shot.

The breeding prospects are pretty slim.

Otherwise, it is a sweet idea (and ideal), and a full community, complete with incessant infighting and mudslinging. But that is what makes a community fun.

oh dad.

Free State Project
Reason blogs the "First 1000" FSP Pledge, faceless internet users balk

person who got here by searching for "rude improv scene partner"

2007-02-11T18:30:00.001-06:00

my condolences.

overextended? nooo. improv AND law school? oh god.

2007-02-09T15:16:00.000-06:00

How many teams is too many teams? I keep hearing people talk about how we should focus on just a few projects..common sense?

I'm working on..five....but I feel like I should be doing as much as I can juggle, and I can just barely juggle these.

I will be starting law school within the next 18 months, and I fear my law school hobby's effects on my improv career. Ahem.

Thus, I sought the advice of a Northwestern 2L who tried it. She is very nice.

Originally, I was planning to treat law school like a 9-5 job, maybe a little more intense, but nothing terribly different than what I'd done before starting school. Thus, I thought I could keep improvising seriously.

But law school has a way to spiral out of control. Part of this is that I'm at a competitive school, but even at less competitive schools things like job searching or extra curriculars will start to suck your time away. You can certainly make a choice that law school is your 2nd priority, but your success/ failure in school can influence your eventual career opportunities. (Anecdotally, this can be especially true at 2nd tier schools; there are far fewer jobs for those graduating, so the competition gets really thick.)

1st year is academically difficult, 2nd year is just busy. Between moot court, law review, on-campus interviewing, and extra-curriculars I just couldn't find time to improvise. If I'd stayed on my PG team (Dear John Deere), I would have called every Wednesday and said "Sorry guys, I just can't swing rehearsal this week." That would just suck. For me, it was a lot better to step away for a year or two.

It's all about priorities. If you're willing to half-ass your studies, you can do as much improv as you'd want. (Well, 4 teams, probably not.) But you could certainly swing a harold team and/or a PG team. Or low-key independents. But, if you think about it, you're only in school for three years or so, and you can improvise forever. Especially if you're looking for a long-term career that's financially secure enough to support a long-standing improv habit, it can be worth pushing improv to the back burner. (Of course, I'm from the school of thought that says paying $160K for school = stupid, if what you really want to do is act.)

She made me feel better..especially because

1. I live to half ass my studies.
2. Worst case scenario, I have zero job competitition thanks to my pappy. But oh god, I do mean WORST CASE scenario.
3. It's only three years..right?

Then again, here is a self-indulgent picture of me after a one hour 6 AM cry fest anxiety attack. It was taken the morning of the most stressful day of my life (LSAT, two rehearsals, closing night of a sketch show, overdrawn bank account and being locked out of my apartment until 4am).

waaaah. suck it up, pussy.

drag kings press photo sneak peek

2007-02-08T01:21:00.000-06:00

"Sneak peek" always makes me think of the pediatrician before she went for your underwear.

Umm.

So here's a few of our pictures. I haven't gotten the whole batch yet to weed through.

my lumberjack look

girls rub up on each other

boys do not

K'Mo makes me laugh. She chopped her hair off for this.

FETUS HANDS!!!!

i'm poor

2007-02-07T16:29:00.001-06:00

I guess I should preface this with the following: I went to private schools from age three through college, I own the upper middle class white girl dog tag from Tiffany, I was shipped off to summer camps in the mountatins starting at age 7, and I think American Eagle is for people who went to highschools named after politicians.

This girl was spoilt. Ugly spoilt.

BUT I AM POOR NOW. SUPER POOR. COMEDIAN POOR.

Part of the problem with being raised way beyond your family's means is that you have no idea how to spend money appropriately. Like me.

I don't buy things these days. I don't remember the last time I bought clothes or jewelry. I have given up weekly manicures. I don't buy magazines anymore.

I spend most of my non-rent money on:

1. directors
2. transportation
3. beer and wine
3. baby food*

*Yeah that was an asterisk. No, I'm not knocked up. I'm the baby. I eat like a freaking baby. I subsist off of popcorn, soup, and subway sandwiches. And nothing else.

Unless, of course, you count the ten corndogs I bought last week...helloooo bargain.

Today, however, after recognizing that I am scary poor and that all that popcorn, soup and subway sandwich buying really adds up, I made the trek downtown to Trader Joe's. And I kicked my inner baby tummy to the curb. Take that baby! Baaah! GAH!

Trader Joe's is a poor yuppie's wet dream. What really gets me is the packaging. I am a sucker for kitsch and fake class.

It looks like old habits die hard, though. I'm now like a slightly more pampered baby. I bought five different types of pasta, a huge bag of almonds, two types of bread, a hunk of cheese, vodka sauce and three bottles of shitty box-caliber wine (Two Buck Chuck of course) -- and SLICED APPLES.

Because I'm too lazy to buy whole apples. Like I said. I'm a slightly more pampered baby.

Look at the contents of my fridge. Two different brands of fake butter!

Maturity is knocking on my door. And it's holding a Jack Daniels Watermelon Country Cocktail.

Please, please. No credit for the baby carrots. They are at least a month old.

we could have an old timey president

2007-02-06T16:57:00.000-06:00

Old Timey man is running for president! The former mayor of New York is planning on wooing us with his Old Timey features and mid atlantic accent. Can you pick him out of a lineup? I have a dream.. that Irish Need Not Apply! Arrrgh!

HeeHeehoho.

I'm old timey.

Angular suit.

Hilary Clinton and Obama will crumble under the weight of old timey nostalgia. Nothing can compete with a nerdy first name, small eyebrows, crows feet, a weird hairline, and polio. Wait, polio? Nevermind.

UPDATE: RUDY GIULIANI INFECTS HIMSELF WITH POLIO TO SEEM MORE OLD TIMEY.

The fat man below used our great grandparents' tax dollars to make a huge tub.

This tub is dying to be filled with bubbles, with a glass of wine and a one hitter sitting next to it, ready and waiting. Annnd the theme to the Mary Tyler Moore show. And a box of kleenex. So I can cry and sing along to that song with mascara running down my face.. What the heck, let's throw in some quaaludes for the ride.

WHATEVER IT'S MY DREAM OK.....aaahhh huhhhh huh..ohhhhh i can turn the world on with my smile....oh life..waah.

cheryl from CURB. i enjoy curb.

2007-02-04T23:02:00.000-06:00

A smidgen of an interview with Cheryl Hines via The Believer. She's great.

the senate anniversary

2007-02-02T14:26:00.000-06:00

Proud to say I am one of the few obnoxious chicago improvisers who has been locked out of the town hall pub.

Don't we look lke siblings?

i am not above posting puppy videos

2007-02-02T14:20:00.000-06:00

oh my goodness. and we even share a name.

improv summit leads to existential life crisis

2007-01-30T16:07:00.000-06:00

Preface

I hate a gayballs improv wax philosophic. It physically pains me so to hear someone say "HE'S THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO DOES NOT SAY 'YES AND...IN LIFE'"

Give me a break. It is what it is. Improv is great, don't get me wrong. But it has a tendency to take over my life.

For example, in Chicago, I have two non-improviser "friends." One is my estranged ex-boyfriend who dumped me because he's um…he's just not the type of person who does says 'yes and' in life. The other one is my Mom. She actually lives in Florida, not Chicago.

Oh how frustrating. How ever will I relate to the throbbing masses if I cannot woo individual civilians with my endless yes-anding-in-life techniques? I'll do anything if you love me.

Even mime. I do it every day in fact. Improvisers mime.

Well, see. There you go. It is a slippery slope into the gayballs improv wax and whine philosophic.

Help Me, Improv Summit

Charna Halpern, Jimmy Carrane, Matt Elwell, Susan Messing and Mick Napier

Last night The Improv Summit occurred at Improv Olympic. It was a panel discussion run in conjunction with the Loyola Improv Educators Program. Panelists included Charna Halpern (IO), Mick Napier (The Annoyance/Second City), Susan Messing (The Annoyance), Jimmy Carrane (IO), and Matt Elwell (Comedy Sportz). The discussion was moderated by Jason Chin.

The Del Close Theater was packed mostly with young improvisers; in keeping with our generation's cut throat yuppie ways, the theme of the evening seemed to be "How do we do the right thing?" with improv.

Are we spreading ourselves too thin? Is Chicago the right place to be? Is hoping to make money in Hollywood selling out? How can we get better? How can we sell out? Will getting better prepare us to sell out? By the way, what is selling out?

Don't ask questions, right?...IN LIFE. Sometimes it's hard not to.

Ok, here's my burning question.

"AM I GOING TO BE A FUCKING TEMP FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?????"

I didn't ask. No one asked that question, but we all might as well have. It is a legitimately inescapable fear that this work will not pay off.

I love this work and the community...but my own fear is that I grow to hate improv if I'm 55 and working at the front desk of a law office?

Am I training to win the lottery?

Perhaps. But it helps to identify what the Chicago community has to offer. Jimmy Carrane said that "For better or worse, Chicago is an artists' community. For better, it's process. For worse, it's process."

Yes. There is so much to learn as an artist and improviser in Chicago. All artistic work is mostly process anyway. The comfort of this creative incubator is actually the best thing about the city. However, it's admittedly easy to get a little too comfortable. Everyone is on a team. Everyone is hanging out at the bar. Sure, people are making progress, but there's a whole lot of lateral movement. A life of lateral movement is not the life for me.

Mick pointed out that "just because you are in a process oriented community doesn't mean you can't have goals." Goals! Well there it is. Here's a goal: upward movement, whatever that means. If one is looking to take it to the next level and make it a career, one must identify the goal and focus the process.

If what one wants is a product driven career of creativity that incorporates improv, Messing says "Improv [itself] is not going to take you there."

So, what will?

Charna quickly brought up the importance of The Packet. The elusive Writing Packet that everyone should have in their bag, but almost no one does. Charna noted that John Lutz was scouted in an improv show but had his Packet ready when they asked for it (inevitable). On the flipside, those hired off of the Mainstage at Second City (like Tina Fey) were found in a scripted show that they wrote. In essence: be ready on your own for the break because if it happens at all it will probably only happen once. Like Charna said, "A lot of people depend on IO to make it...you can do it yourself." It's a start.

Don't Worry, the Scariest Part is Over

Chin asked the panelists to say what they wish they could whisper in the ear of every improviser.

Matt Elwell: "You're always auditioning... The on and off stage is always melding."

Whoa, scary again. Scary!

Thankfully, Susan Messing is the least passive aggressive person I have ever met. She had no qualms about disagreeing with Matt Elwell's proclamation. Whew! I don't think anyone is going to deny his statement in an effort to get away with being an asshole, but good God...I would hope that those in high places have a little understanding that we are all humans. Although, I bet it's hard to see this far down, staring down from his High Horze on Comedy Sportz Mount Olympuz. Zing!

More whispers:

From Mick:

"Take acting classes. Act. Acting. The thing that lacks."

"Improv is what is in your fucking brain."

[Translation: So, have a life outside of improv. Leave the bar. Make time for other things and people. Go to Applebee's.]

From Messing:

"Check your table manners and ego at the door.

She described the ideal scene partner as someone who is "half as talented but twice as cooperative."

"Be joyful. If I'm joyful everyone's joyful."

And an exchange between Charna Halpern and Jimmy Carrane:

Charna: And don't fuck up like Michael Richards
Carrane: He's not on a team anymore is he?

More Encouragement Please!

Elwell: "Your craft is your personal craft. At the end of the day your improv is unique and intrinsically does not belong to ANY of the four schools."

Charna: "Please care enough to get good...The ones that love it are the ones that get really good."

Mick: "Improvisation is the least important thing you will ever do in your entire life."

Less important than being a temp?

Yes, actually. Could Ricky Gervais have created The Office if he hadn't worked in a miserable office?

Not well.

{~~Insert gayballs improv/life metaphor here~~}

If I wasn't in love with all of life, I would be dead, a la Hale Bop cult poison pudding.

And if I wasn't in love with improvising, I wouldn't do it..though we have our ups and downs.

(Did I really just say that??)

"Don't give up. You are right for doing this" said Susan Messing last night.

new harold team posters

2007-01-29T14:27:00.000-06:00

I love playing with this team. Love love love.

digital television? yeah right.

2007-01-28T16:50:00.001-06:00

Bill Gates gave a schpiel about how the internet will be revolutionizing television (or make it obsolete) in the next five years.

As I sit here waiting for episodes of The Office to download on iTunes and watching shorts on Super Deluxe, I am prone to agree.

Are there really any drawbacks to watching tv on your computer? Perhaps only that the FCC and others will try to burrow their regulatory ways further into the internet realm, which, as a paranoid libertarian, makes me rather uncomfortable.

I have big dreams of buying an Apple Cinema HD Display via which I will mindlessly blog and watch movies (this is about as tech-nerdy as I get).

I have big dreams that advertising will be tailored to each viewer, and therefore more interesting and more brainwashing (it will).

I have big dreams that I can watch one of those so-bad-they're-good Sunsilk hair commercials, click on the ad, and buy the product, while concurrently refreshing Facebook, ordering groceries, Gawker stalkering, watching very bad porn*, watching The Office (Pam+Jim=girl porn), watching Cinema Paradiso (loser porn) via what Netflix is bound to become (click and play), playing hypochondriac on WebMD, defacing Wikipedia entries, and figuring out what the Dharma Initiative is...all at the same time.

Overwhelming, huh? Well yes, it is.

Technically I could do this now. But with a bigger screen...and more options. Oh God am I excited or what?

Maybe we will all be like Mike TeaVee, minus the sloth.

Read all about it...

The State of the Media - Broadcasting & Cable
Oxygen hops in..launches SheDidWhat.tv chock full of lady-comedy and vagina talk
The L Word is now on Second Life... what the fuck
What seems to be a crazy liberal meddling organization speaks up against network monopolies making their way onto the internet -- Center for Digital Democracy
The FCC's Digital Television section

The best blog I have found..gave me a big libertarian geek out moment... The Technology Liberation Front. Great.

*experiment to see how many hits "porn" brings in.

being sick and doing shows...the hollow men

2007-01-27T18:21:00.001-06:00

One of my biggest theater pet peeves is when someone has an "issue" of any sort, and others say, "USE IT!" Your mom just died? USE IT! You and your boyfriend who is in this show with you broke up this morning? USE IT! You saw someone get hit by a car? USE IT! You're depressed? USE IT!

It's SORT of like saying "get over it and don't fuck up my show."

When I was in level 1 at UCB I did a Lottery show. The Lottery at UCB is different than at Improv Olympic; at UCB it's a one night only thing, whereas at iO I think you get an 8 week run. The UCB Lottery, at the time, consisted of two Harolds with two students from every level. Thus, each Harold had ONE student from every level. Got that? ONE! ONE! CAPS! ONE!

The day of the UCB lottery we had a three hour rehearsal to prep the students who were going to be playing with the regular performers. The other level 1 student never showed up. Great! I was going to be lucky and get to play BOTH Harolds. Oh, swell! Great! Except for the fact that I was feeling the onset of sickness. Nevertheless, I powered through that rehearsal.

I powered through so much that I blew my wad, so to speak.

Apparently this was not the rehearsal to blow my wad at. My parents flew up for this show. Yes, for a fucking lottery at UCB. They flew up to New York City from Tampa for one night to see me play in a lottery show that meant absolutely nothing. All my friends came to the show. There was a decent crowd. It was my first public improv performance. My first Harold, actually.

Well, in blowing my wad, I lost my voice entirely, my nose becamed clogged and my ears followed suit. Soon I had horrible pain in my ears, couldn't hear out of one of them, and was feeling a little vertigo.

Between rehearsal and the show, the "cast" went and had a few beers. I, a shy 17 year old ill lightweight, had four. Bad idea. Ten minutes before the show my Mom gave me some Benadryl. Utterly retarded idea.

Right at places, back stage, one of the higher level students seemed to notice that I was not ok. In fact, he said "Are you ok?" Scared, I shook my head just as we were being called out on stage, and he smirked and whispered "USE IT!"

Ass.

The first Harold I went on stage for..I didn't get out once. I couldn't. I was standing in the back line almost in tears because my ear hurt so fucking bad and I couldn't focus on any of the scenes that were going on. I could feel some fear and hostility from the other players, both the students and the regular performers, but I wasn't concerned because I was so drunk/high/sick.

I should have stayed out of the second one. In retrospect, it would have made PERFECT sense to tell the person running the Lottery that I was not up to it and that I needed to leave the theater. Unfortunately perfect sense has never been my strong suit, so after standing still on the back line for the entire FIRST Harold, I stepped backstage for 15 seconds, and then stepped right back out for the SECOND Harold.

And I stood still on the back line again...until I was dragged on stage by a regular UCB performer. This woman is a brilliant improviser. She's hilarious and she was very nice. She thought I was a horrified Level 1 kid who had stage fright. She grabbed my arm and said something to the effect of "And here is Sharon Osbourne!" and just left me there. Oh God.

Needless to say, it did not go well. At notes, the director said I did fine at rehearsal, but I shouldn't be so scared. It was pretty humiliating, but I learned that I can never do a show under the influence of anything, and now I would never try. I can't even follow a show that I'm watching when I'm drunk, let alone one that I'm in. I'm just too slow and dumbdumb.

DON'T DO IMPROV SHOWS DRUNK AND HIGH, DEAF MUTES. DON'T DO IT.

By the way, I ended up at the hospital later that night, around 3 am, weeping heavily, with my lovely parents in tow.

my dad in his trusty bomber jacket, excited before the disaster show in long ago 2003. there is definitely some jack daniels in the mcdonald's cup.

Tonight I am sick again. There is some repulsive shit coming out of my body.

Since I can't breathe and have horrendous coughing attacks, I'm not REALLY looking forward to doing a midnight improv show dressed as a man this evening..even though I do love those fucking Drag Kings...but it's the first time I'll really consider "using it" as much as possible. I am the asshole this time.

the kids in the hall resolution

2007-01-23T18:25:00.001-06:00

It was to watch Kids in the Hall. So I got Netflix and a case of Two Buck Chuck.

I opened my windows so it was cozy and febreezed my bedsheets so they smelled like a mountain. I got ready to do my nails (over and over and over again, only to leave them blank -- movie watching past-time)...and I broke a resolution.

I snuggled into that damn bed with my powerbook on my lap and a my new Netflixed movie. It wasn't Kids in the Hall. It was Secretary. I guess I am more insecure about being an NYU dropout than being someone involved in comedy.

Truth be told, I watched a few Kids in the Hall sketches on Youtube and wasn't terribly impressed. I'm not dumb and I have borderline taste. It was only ok. And I was sooo sooooo soooooo bored.

Secretary on the other hand? WOO WOOOOO. Dayum. Kinda lame but still.. WOO WOOOOO! I almost want to cut myself so someone will looove me waaah.

Two Buck Chuck? Fool me once, Franzia marketing techniques, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice..four times...ten...well I guess I don't really care now do I?

Febreeze? I met you at 15 in England when I did not do laundry for two months. I liked you in high school when I chain smoked in cars. I loved you in college when I became drug addled on roommates' beds (sorry ladies). And now you feel like home, febreeze, when I am watching movies in my own bed, still not doing laundry, still chain smoking, wishing I had enough money to be drug addled.

15, my first evening at Cambridge University

la television es muerta, papa AND three men of whom i am a fan

2007-01-19T01:11:00.000-06:00

Turner Broadcasting is the latest tv network to launch its broadband network, Super Deluxe. It's already better than NBC's Dotcomedy by far.

Super Deluxe has better material, better comics, it's slightly easier to nagivate, it's not as cluttered, and it's a lot less lame looking than Dotcomedy. Plus, it seems like they won't screw up perfectly good shorts with a laugh track.

The thing I most look forward to with more content made exclusively for the internet is longer versions of the great stuff that's out there now. More episodes at longer lengths!

Super Deluxe commercials by Eugene Mirman:

I met Eugene Mirman once.

I was joining my freshman roommate at The Tank for her brother's band's concert. That band is We Are Scientists, and they are apparently quite the THING in Europe these days.

Eugene Mirman was performing too. He was friends with the band men. I was 17 and shy. I was wearing pearls. It became known that I was a Eugene Mirman fan. I was dragged (literally) to speak to him. I was embarrassed and mute. He said he felt like Aerosmith or something. I hated myself. Ahhhaha.

The Michael Showalter Showalter with Zach Galifianakis. It may appear that nothing is below this text, but there is. Just click. Big white box. Click!

How to be a New Improviser

2007-01-16T18:06:00.000-06:00

About a year and a half ago, I moved to Chicago from New York City "to study improv." Far fetched, huh?

Here's what I would have prioritized, if I had all of the common sense I have now. Hindsight is 20/20. Fuck.

1. Go to the earliest set of Incubator Team auditions.
The first one I went to (and was not called back for) was for The Senate. Now I am a member of The Senate.

These auditions can be pretty ridiculous. I went to four (FOUR!) and was called back for three (THREE!) and cast in zero (ZERO!). Then I got asked to join a year old incubator team at the Playground, because of these auditions. So it all works out.

You will inevitably run into assholes who do not know how to audition. They edit too fast, they get that weird defensive demeanor towards their partners in scenes, they have sweaty palms and bad breath. But it is worth the experience. I promise.

I also met four friends at Incubator Auditions: Irene, Beckman, Wes and Shanna (you do not remember this do you Shanna..). I actually met more than four friends at Incubator Auditions, but I have these peoples' phone numbers, so we're REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD COMEDIAN FRIENDS.

2. Get a good headshot.
Olan Mills will not suffice. Nor will the one your friend from college took. It's worth the money to get a good headshot and have prints on hand so you don't have to run to Walgreens or Kinkos every time an audition pops up.

This headshot screams "I want to make you laugh!"

3. Not have a boyfriend.

Ok ok. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only improviser in Chicago who cannot divvy up her time between the person she is dating and being a productive human being. Maybe I'm the only one who was sucked into watching baseball games instead of going to see shows. Baseball! I fucking despise baseball!

The truth is, it is difficult to date someone who is not involved in comedy if you are trying to increase your stage time in Chicago...unless your significant other is a groupie.

On the flip side, it is perhapy equally hard to date someone who IS involved with comedy, because you will inevitably break up and he will screw someone on your team, your best friend, your teachers, your coaches, and that one bartender at Town Hall Pub..

4. Hang out at iO and the Annoyance more.
Closely related to number 2.

5. Not be a fucking asshole.
Pretend that you have a pact with everyone in every one of your classes. It is "If I am out going YOU will be outgoing." It is totally not true, but maybe you can trick people into thinking you are nice.

I sat around in levels 1 and 2 stewing about how much better I thought UCB improvisers were than Chicago improvisers and judging myself against the other girls in my class. What a pooper! What an insecure little pooper! I was a shy insecure little pooper.. I am proud to say I am no longer vicious or competitive. There are a lot of people who are better than me and one or two who are worse. Who cares.

6. Pretend to know what Kids in the Hall is.
Allegedly this is instant credibility. I'm still working on it.

7. Get a Skybox slot ASAP.
Start churning out those Skybox Proposals ASAP. If you don't do it ASAP you won't be on stage and producing material ASAP.

8. Email questions to teachers.
I will never do this because I am a huge wussy, but I wish I did/do cultivate stronger relationships with my teachers.

9. Let go of THAT scene.
You know, that scene where that one guy dicked you over/pimped you out/embarrassed you/licked you/touched your boob/didn't say one fucking word. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

10. Insist that your classmates hang out after class.
Also contigent upon number 2. What he missed: sandwich eating contests, Jon DeWalt being atrociously rude to waitresses, all the pot in the world, a corn roast, shotgunning beers, and eventually a 5B camping trip to Wisconsin.

11. Hope that everyone else does well.
You want talented friends to work with and to make up for your inadequacies.

12. Don't tell anyone how much you love Robin Williams.

13. Don't tell anyone how much you hate Tom Hanks.
(come on Tom Hanks is horrible)

14. Don't tell anyone how bad you want to be on TV.

15. Don't give strangers notes. Seriously.
Or friends, if they haven't asked.

16. Belly up to the bar.
Drink more!

Bonus: Realize that you are fully responsible for everything bad that happens to you on stage.

DRAG KINGS OF COMEDY

2007-01-15T01:44:00.001-06:00

After doing shows three nights in a row, each followed by some late night "socializing" I am pretty exhausted.

When I get tired I get quickly irritable (you can ruin my day in about 15 seconds if you really want to), defensive, and, oddly, really excited to improvise in front of people. It is sort of nice to pull all of your day's remaining energy and shove it into a 30 minute show. But goddamn do I want to have a good cry and shove somebody afterwards.

This weekend I did a Friday night show at the Playground with The Senate, then opening night on Saturday at the Skybox with the Drag Kings of Comedy, and Sunday evening Callous did a Harold at iO. The Senate had a solid show, and Callous was...ok. Drag Kings, on the other hand, made my fucking month.

You see, a few months ago, Miss Kara Moore had the silly idea that there would be an all girl group performing some sort of comedy in drag -- meaning girls dressed as boys..this seems to confuse some people -- going by the Drag Kings of Comedy. Quickly a cozy group of ladies (myself, Miss Moore, Camille and Shanna) began having somewhat ironic meetings to discuss the intricacies of machismo over gourmet dinners, red wine, and lots and lots of pot.

We talked and talked and talked, veering off of the topic of drag.

I ate a lot of cheese and almonds and plowed through a bottle of wine one night at Camille's...More than once I said something along the lines of "OH MY GOD SHANNA YOU'RE SUCH A SAMANTHA!" (referring, of course, to Sex and the City, duh duh duh duh duuuh)...I almost peed myself laughing at girly stories about silly Chicago boys...We talked about our mothers a lot...I asked Camille a lot of questions about her sorority (I maintain that Chi Omegas have to hop in a coffin during some point of the pledge/initiation process but that bitch won't spill)...I have said to Kara "You go girl!" more times than I care to admit...We have all rediscovered the song Romeo, by Dolly Parton, featuring Kathy Mattea, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Tanya Tucker, Pam Tillis, and Billy Ray Cyrus.

The point is...we bonded in a big huge shit-ton of gayballs kind of way.

When the Drag Kings applied for a Skybox slot on a whim, right before holiday time, it didn't occur to us that we would be handed a slot that allowed us A WEEK to prepare for a show. A week! To do an entirely improvised show as men! That is insane.

We rehearsed four times in six days and somehow the show together, and I have never had so much fun on stage as I did Saturday at midnight. It was the first Skybox show I've ever done that I felt great about.

It is nice to play with a group of friends in which you feel absolutely no judgment on any choice, and (for the first time in my relatively nubile improv career) total trust that if something is going wrong, three people are not only there to pick it up, they actually will. Agggh we did some kickass scenes. I had so much fun.

Elephant Larry BIT FREE super serious interview

2007-01-14T16:53:00.001-06:00

I "interviewed" Elephant Larry member Geoff Haggerty before their Chicago Sketchfest shows this weekend. The "interview" was for The Bastion.

The intro and "interview" is below... SPECIAL BONUS: I changed the video.

Elephant Larry, an acclaimed New York City based sketch group, is performing at Sketchfest this Friday and Saturday night at 10pm.

Notorious for intelligent comedy and their online shorts (featured frequently at both Collegehumor.com and BestWeekEver.tv), Elephant Larry promises to deliver one of the best shows at Sketchfest.

Lo! There goes a clip!

Edit: Removed the clip because it was messing up my blog.

The Bastion conducted a super sophisticated interview with Elephant Larry member Geoff Haggerty, via Myspace survey. If we [THE BASTION, I DO HAVE A MYSPACE, I BEING MACKENZIE CONDON] had a myspace, he would be our top friend [HE IS CLEARLY NOT MY TOP FRIEND, BUT HOW NICE OF HIM TO AGREE TO A LAMEO INTERVIEW WITH ME, RIGHT? HUH? RIGHT? YEAH. ]

1) Where do you wish you were?
Chicago, Illinois!!! Woo! Am I right people? Am I right?

2) Vegetarian?
Nope. My Dad is. And Alex from EL used to be. But that all came crashing down in Charleston, SC 2006. It was glorious.

3) Elephant Larry is performing at the same time as two other shows. How does one pick???
We're actually going up against Dance Party of Newfoundland who is supposed to be amazing. The bane of my existence is that I missed seeing them in Toronto. And now I will miss them again… Look, I just relinquished a chance to plug ourselves in favor of a group we're scheduled against! THAT is the kind of humility you like to see in a comedy group…this Friday and Saturday at 10pm!

4) Come close to dying?
Yup. My 14th birthday I ate a chocolate that had some kind of nut in it that I'm apparently allergic to. But my Mom gave me steroids and now I'm OK.

5) Are you eating?
No, but I will be eating some milk and cookies soon.

6) Do you eat the stems of broccolli?
Yes. That's where the healthy is. I think.

7) Makeup?
Once or twice.

8) Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Sure, but probably only in situations where my face was bitten off by a dog or something.

9) What do you wear to bed?
Funny you should ask, I just made the switch from an old camp shirt to a regular old undershirt.

10) Can you roll your tongue?
Yes. My party trick is that I have no party tricks, but I can do all the kinda boring things that some people can't do (roll tongue, whistle, snap).

11) Abortion?
No thank you!

12) Future child's name?
AstroGeoff. Get it? Future-child?

13) Do you snore?
I'm pretty sure I don't. I HAVE heard that I've been talking in my sleep a lot recently.

14) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I do not. But the teddy bear I've had since before birth is still lurking in my bedroom.

15) If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Pay off my student debts. WOOOO!!!

16) Gold or silver?
Gold! Take it to the limit!

17) Beach, city, or country?
City. But ya need a solid rotation, or you're gonna go nuts.

18) When's the last time you cried?
Cried? Whenever I watched "Field of Dreams" last. Teared up at all? Whenever I watched a movie last.

19) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Of course. I'd probably prefer not to when all is said and done, but I can think of many scenarios in which I would.

20) Ever been involved with the police?
Romantically? No. At all? Well let's put it this way…I've been pulled over for speeding four times and have gotten no tickets. So, yes, romantically.

21) Do you talk in your sleep?
I just SAID this. Good Lord, please LISTEN TO ME.

22) beach or pool
Oooh…might go pool. You can get a really good game of pool volleyball going in the pool. I'm not quite buff enough (at all) for beach volleyball.

23) What's your favorite song at the moment?
Gonna go with "The Fox" by Sleater-Kinney. It is so goddamn rocking it hurts me.

24) Ever met any famous bands/singers/actors?
Depends on what you mean by "meet". I've gotten to Celebrity Second Base with Cindy Crawford (in the same room).

25) Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
Oprah. She's God and a half.

26) How long does your shower last?
They've been getting longer….10 minutes?

27) Cake or ice cream?
Ice cream. Cake's good though. Ice cream cake is not.

28) What time do you get up?
7:30 then 7:50. Twenty minute power nap right at the end of a good night's rest does it every time.

29) Are your parents married or divorced?
Married. Nuclear families rule! As do all other kinds of family. Whew. Close one.

30) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yup. AND I LOVED IT

31) Last gift you received:
$25 gift card to Best Buy. I bought "Hero" and "Eight-Legged Freaks."

32) Last sport you played?
Baseball. Baseball's the best. Well I guess softball technically. Sprained both my wrists and elbows. I retired.

33). Things you spend a lot of money on?
Rent! Seriously, right?

34) Where do you live?
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York. It's not quite cool yet, but it's on its way.

35) High school you attend(ed)?
Monsignor Farrell High School. I never will forgive my parents for that one.

36) Last wedding attended?
My friends Andrew and Jennine. They were both in my college comedy group and then they got married. Interesting fact: they actually live in Urbana.

37) Favorite fast food restaurant?
Mickey D's. I don't care how many people vouch for Wendy's, you can't beat the D.

38) Where do you work
Cerebral Palsy Associations of New York State in Crown Heights. But I'm starting a new job on Monday.

39) Last concert attended:
I saw the McSweeney's benefit in NYC in August. Sufjan played with David Byrne. Does that count as a concert? There was some comedy also…

40) Favorite Nonalcoholic drink:
Tie between Coca-Cola and milk and MIXING THEM TOGETHER.

41) Favorite Alcoholic drink:
I will go with a nice big pint o' Killian's. In Ireland, of course.

42) Who is your favorite member of Elephant Larry?
I'd have to go with Stefan. He brings a relentless sense of fun and energy to the group that the rest of us keep combatting with total apathy.

Warning: Hipster Nipples

2007-01-14T16:08:00.001-06:00

I have quite a list of blogs and news sites that I visit a few times during sunlight hours. On slow news days, I start to rummage through the pictures at The Cobra Snake or Last Nights Party, looking for people I know (coked out upper class New York girls) baring their nipples under loosely cut wifebeaters from American Apparel. I am relatively embarrassed to admit that I check this stupid website, though more embarrassed that I shower probably five times a week these days (though 9 or 10 when I have a special man friend hanging around..alas, I do not).

I DIGRESS. Yet again.

Cobra Snake. Really ridiculous pictures of affluent NY/LA hipsters baring their nipples. There is definitely a shortage of this breed of human in Chicago. Chicagoans love to argue about this. Sorry, Chicago, your hipsters are nowhere near as obnoxious, entertaining, acerbic and countercultured as their distant coastal cousins. Chicago hipsters are just a little off. They are a little dirtier and a they are still wearing studded punky belts that could easily be purchased at Hot Topic. They are frequently under-educated, according to the average standard, whereas New York hipsters have or aspire to arguably useless graduate degrees. New York and LA hipsters employ faux-dirt, wear expensive vintage and new clothing and bark about their new favorite artists. Or the old ones they are reclaiming (because looking back a few seasons is ever so fashionable as well). New York hipsters love the Green Party -- and, increasingly, libertarian philosophy -- because they typically don't know the tenets of either and seem to think they can align on some level (they cannot).

Here are some of my fabled experiences with hipsters.

1. I Once Kicked a Hipster in His Back. On accident, though, because even I am a pussy even when put up against scrawny Greenwich Jews. This was right around the time that Asscat was starting to blow up in New York. When I first started hanging out at UCB, they weren't crowded. It was nice. You didn't have to wait two or three hours in the cold to get into the free show. You weren't yelled at by that big guy in glasses. People didn't fight over milk crate seats that you could walk down to Gristedes and just get for yourself.

When Asscat blew up, or maybe even before that, the hipster contigency took to sitting on the floor of the stage. I suppose this is most comparable to the DCT at iO..if the chairs went all the way up to the lip of the stage. People would sit on the actual stage itself. Right in front of people in the front row of seats. They would scoot as far back as they could, practically putting their greasy heads in your crocth during the show.

I get jimmy-legs if I don't shuffle around in my seat every four minutes or so and one particular NYU-Greenwich-greasy hipster had scooted his greasy smelly head all the way back, he was practically nuzzling my pubic bone with his ear lobes.

So I..pap PAP! Crossed my legs the other way and broke that faggot's neck.

2. I Once Lived with Two Hipsters at Once. One on accident, the other on purpose, because she is one of my most beloved friends, and she doesn't really seem to know she is a hipster (best kind).

The Accident wasn't that bad. She was a victim of bad NYU dorm placement. She had a single, and thus we were bitter. We all knew her as an acquaintance from random times and places (she and I spent a summer together at 15 "studying" at Cambridge University and experimenting with toothless blokes and every variety of Hasish available in Britain -- well I did at least). She built a fort in her room, which smelled like BO and patchouli and sex (sex smells like plain pasta). If my room smelled like BO and patchouli and sex, I'd say I was having a pretty good day, but since it was her, and we were bitter that she had a single room with window access to our Brooklyn Bridge facing balcony, we passive aggressively crucified the poor girl.

We accidentally destroyed her fort sneaking into her room to get onto the balcony. She had been sleeping underneath a few sheets pinned together and hung over a lamp and an umbrella and a chair. Her laptop was underneath, and I'm pretty sure she was cultivating the smells of BO and patchouli and plain pasta under there while watching The Station Agent on that laptop. The Station Agent sounds right, right?

Anyway, we destroyed it, on accident, en route to the balcony.

She made these, which was pretty endearing, but not to us, because we passive aggressively hated her.

3. I Once Claimed to be The Cobra Snake. Right before I left New York, The Cobra Snake was gaining popularity. I went to a hipster party, drank Colt 45, called myself Blaize and told people I needed to take their picture for my hipster party picture website. This anecdote reflects awfully poorly on me, it's such an obnoxious thing to do.

I'm an asshole. I tried really hard. No, like, really hard.

Unfortunately, hipsters do not wear shiny Juicy Couture puffy jackets.

No one wants to be the kind of hipster that is that way because they are super poor and can't afford the water to shower. I think these ones live in Echo Park or Stuy Town or far far east into Brooklyn as squatters. Squatters...an entire comical entity unto themselves.

My Nolita dorm room. Well worth the 40 grand a year.

The view from that dorm room, straight into Calvin Klein's apartment.

No really, straight in. We chain smoked and watched him compulsively rearrange candles and picture frames on the table in front of the second floor windows.

great zach galifianakis short

2007-01-05T00:49:00.001-06:00

From his short lived tv shot. Zach Galifianakis is amazing. Here is an interview at The Bastion, another blog for which I write.

And another!

about GUNS

2007-01-04T18:00:00.001-06:00

I don't really enjoy shooting guns. I am primarily terrified by the thought of a backfiring gun, even though as far I as I know a backfire is extremely rare.

Anyway, growing up partially on a survivalist co-op/commune island with weapons and ammo buried underground in case of...whatever one would need them for... you may imagine that I spent the rest of my formative time in a pro-gun household. Thus my parents felt it was imperative that I know basic gun safety, how to shoot (hopefully without cutting up my fingers...ouch), how to remove a lock, where our weapons were located, and so on. I learned quickly that I prefer a revolver to a semi-automatic pistol.

IS THIS SOUNDING SCARY YET?

Ok good.

Well don't be too scared, because it will be very, very difficult for me to (legally) have a gun in any of the cities I see myself living in for the next few years; Chicago or New York, of course. This is unfortunate for me, but super fortunate for any predators who may stumble across my door.

I understand that many people -- not to mention just about every single person I know -- think the mere thought of having a gun in their home is horrifying...there's a lot of..what if someone else gets a hold of it?

Well don't fucking let someone else get a hold of it jackass. It's a gun not a goddamn toothbrush. Don't "hide" it in a cup on your sink.

In the meantime, I can't help but smirk at this idealized notion that if you can't have one then you can't hurt me, that if you can't have one then you can't get one, and that if you do have one then you will hurt me.

Let's clear some of this up. I can hurt you (I'm huge). I can get one...like, today, if I want. I won't hurt you.

In Illinois, one is not allowed to carry a concealed weapon unless you are a cop or a criminal. I generally hate cops as much as criminals and find them just as scary, so this is not especially comforting. I will first have to obtain a Firearms Owner Identification Card.

In Evanston, Winnetka, Oak Park, Highland Park, Wilmette and Morton Grove it is 100% illegal to possess a gun.

These yuppies are awful dangerous, y'all. And I'm sure none of them hunt or have a gun in their huge mansions. No way. It's illegal...draconianly illegal.

Back to the Firearms Owner ID Card, aka FOID. Luckily I am not mentally retarded, a narcotics addict, and I have not been in a mental institution in the past five years, so perhaps I'm a step ahead. However, I do question Mayor Daley's mental capacity all the time and wouldn't be surprised if he was addicted to narcotics, and I have a feeling he has a FOID and probably has no qualms about concealed carrying (remember, this is illegal), but then again he's MAYOR DALEY. He's in a ton of danger...blood in blood out right?

I DIGRESS.

Oddly, the FOID only serves to inconvenience those of us who put in effort to be law abiding citizens. At first I think I am not willing to go to jail for a few years for having an unregistered gun in my apartment, but then again I am also not willing to possibly be raped, robbed, injured or murdered when I could have a chance to avert it. Who knows. Who knows what you would do in that sort of situation anyway? Would I piss my pants and pass out? Would I just start crying and give in? In any event, I'd like to be "prepared"...you know what that means.

In 2003, Chicago was the murder capital of America, clocking in with 598 murders. In either 2004 or 2005 -- I say this because the information is surprisingly fuzzy and hard to get, even off of the FBI website -- 448 murders occurred. The city is bragging a 25% decrease, despite the fact that the number is admittedly based off of "incomplete data."

Meanwhile, New York City, a place with nearly three times the population and much much more strict gun laws, clocks in just barely above Chicago with 539 in 2005. God bless. It seems the Illinois state PR department may have gotten their hands on some records and incompleted them.

By the way, two of the law abiding citizens with New York City concealed weapons permit are Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell.

...despite Rosie's outspoken anti-gun and anti-NRA war cries..bellows...screeches.

Others include Howard Stern, Robert DeNiro, Harvey Keitel, Ronald Lauder, Joan Rivers (love it), and somehow William F. Buckley, Jr scooted through.

You may also sleep safely knowing that allegedly near 100% of NBA players have a concealed carry permit in whatever state of their choosing, as well as the majority of football and baseball players.

Well thank GOD. We all know the Buccaneers could use a little more DEFENSE.

BADA BING!

And at 6'2 and 300 lbs, Warren Sapp looks like the sort of guy who could defend himself better than I could!

BADA BOOM!

Oh wait. Oh. Wait. That's..true. Hm.

In 2005, there were almost 5000 more murders by firearm than in 2003, even though every year more and more firearm laws go on the books.

So if gun laws aren't lowering crime rates and firearm accidents and non-accidents go DOWN, are they raising them? I don't know but I'm sure some libertarian politico will tell you yes. I'd be inclined to agree if only because of the useless redirection of effort (there's only so much effort one bureaucracy can muster...let's hope). I'm not really concerned right now anyway because my issue is one of personal, selfish, objectivist principle.

Before I pop a blood vessel in my eye, here are some links. I've been writing this blog for almost 3 hours now since I've been reading so much, and I just can't take it anymore.

What states allow open carry

Illinois Laws and Summaries regarding firearm possession
New York Laws and Summaries regarding firearm possession
2005 state by state crime statistics from fbi.gov
United States v. Miller
list of firearm case law -- basically saying that no circuit court agrees with another
Federal Gun Laws

Boston Globe article about athletes and guns
Myths About Gun Control by the lovely John Stossel

Maybe soon I write about my Dad's silly arrest at the 2003 NRA convention.

Or you can read about it here. Yes, that man who looks like a fucking Quaker pastor is my Dad.

It was a long time ago, but I'm still amused.

Purdy. And, at risk of sounding gayballs, to be respected.

A Resolution for 2007...who is Marlon Wayans??

2007-01-01T15:00:00.000-06:00

Bet you thought I was going to start going to Church. No silly, I'm still apathetic as can be and feeling guilty about it. I wouldn't give that up for the world.

I have never really seriously (or successfully) pursued a new year's resolution, but I am toying with the idea of it this year...13 hours in, still toying.

When reviewing my 2006, I am particularly proud of my rape and pillaging of the LSAT, considering I actually had to learn something, sit in classes, study, and manage my comedy/learning time very wisely.

So maybe I should rape and pillage another topic every two months or so in 2007. I would be so smart!

Here are some topics I am TOYING with, supplemented by my embarrassing dependance on Wikipedia. Toy toy toy.

1. Austrian Economics - Wikipedia says "The Austrian School, also known as "the Vienna School" and as "the Psychological School", is a school of economic thought that advocates the adherence to strict methodological individualism." [Ugh, and methodological individualism is "a philosophical method aimed at explaining and understanding broad society-wide developments as the aggregation of decisions by individuals (and a version of individualism in general)."]

Those are some big words. Big CONDESCENDING words.

My parents are literally disappointed that I do not have a stronger understanding of these zany libertarian economists...Hayek and von Mises and Friedman (Austrian School he was not, however).

I used to be able to ask my Dad questions about history and politics and economics and he would pseudo-lecture for hours, but now he rolls his eyes and bemoans NYU's theater program with an "Oh brooooooother...If you had gone to Northwestern this would have never happened! You would have taken REAL classes."

Note - At NYU, students do take "real" classes, and I seriously doubt that an education at Northwestern guarantees one an in depth understanding of classically liberal concepts. Bah! Guh! Ugh!

Anyway.

Pros: really snooty thing to learn about, possibly useful, enables me to fight with people more effectively via fact vomiting
Cons: boring

2. String Theory* - Wikipedia says "String theory is a model of fundamental physics whose building blocks are one-dimensional extended objects (strings) rather than the zero-dimensional points (particles) that are the basis of the Standard Model of particle physics."

I would love to know a Mackenzie Condon who could explain or understand or care about String Theory, but I do not think she exists.

Pros: ???? What's a particle??
Cons: ???? Is zero-dimensional possible??

3. Old Norse Poetry - Wikipedia says that "Old Norse poetry encompasses a range of verse forms written in a number of Nordic languages, embraced by the term Old Norse, during the period from the 8th century to as late as the far end of the 13th century. Poetry played an important role in the social and religious world of the Vikings."

YEAAAAH Vikings!

"1. Vilið Hrafnketill heyra,
hvé hreingróit steini
Þrúðar skalk ok þengil
þjófs ilja blað leyfa. 1. Vilið, Hrafnketill, heyra
hvé hreingróit steini
Þrúðar skal ek ok þengil
þjófs ilja blað leyfa? Skjald I B 001 [FJ] Sks.238 [AF] 2. Nema svát góð ens gjalla
gjöld baugnafaðs vildi
meyjar hjóls enn mæri
mögr Sigurðar Högna. 2. Nema svá at góð ins gjalla
gjöld *baugnafaðs vildi
meyjar hjóls inn mæri
mögr Sigurðar Högna. Skjald I B 001 [FJ] Sks.154 [AF] 3. Knátti eðr við illan
Jörmunrekkr at vakna
með dreyrfáar dróttir
draum í sverða flaumi;
rósta varð í ranni
Randvés höfuðniðja,
þás hrafnbláir hefnðu
harma Erps of barmar. 3. Knátti eðr við illan
Jörmunrekkr at vakna
með dreyrfár dróttir
draum í sverða flaumi.
Rósta varð í ranni
Randvés höfuðniðja,
þá er hrafnbláir hefndu
harma Erps of barmar.

Pros: Vikings
Cons: no comprehension of Nordic languages

4. Kids in the Hall - Wikipedia sort of needed. What is Kids in the Hall? Well until today I would have replied "That show that JLO was a Flygirl on."

This isn't the same show????????

Apparently I confuse Kids in the Hall with In Living Color. I'm ready to change. One is with Canadians and one is with Wayanses.

Pros: Eradicate my own ignorance
Cons: I will probably still confuse them.

This month, I will watch and learn about Kids in the Hall, a far nobler endeavor than learning about Austrian economics, String Theory and Old Norse Poetry.

*Who knew String Theory was such a comedic topic???

Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything
From The Onion Issue 41:41, October 12, 2005

BATAVIA, IL--Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory physicist Laird Karmann, a noted string theorist and accused philanderer, said Monday that he can "explain everything" if his wife Elizabeth will just give him a chance. "Surely, anyone can see that, mathematically, the universe is composed of Riemann surfaces, having positive-definite metrics, across which the attached 'loops' or free 'strings' have a (1+1) dynamic topology," Karmann said. "But string behaviors are Lorentzian, meaning that they--like me--need an intense dual-phase Wick rotation now and then just to stay in rational space. I mean, it was just a blowjob." Elizabeth refused to accept her husband's theory, suggesting that he study the transformational loop dynamics implicit in her hurled wedding ring.

Braggart!

2007-01-01T13:51:00.000-06:00

i have kept this a secret for too long.

Perez Hilton and I exchanged a few emails. Are you jealous or disgusted? I am simply enamored.

**

Strangely enough, I emailed him for purely gossipy purposes.

Perez/Mario attended the same studio conservatory (CULT!!!!! CULT!!!!!) that I did at NYU. He mentioned that fact in one of his attempts to out another actor..Raul Esparza. Apparently Raul had an affair with one of our instructors.

I just HAD to know, yall.

"His name was David.

But Steve's very sweet.

xoxo

P

--
Perez Hilton
Gossip Gangsta

PerezHilton.com
Celebrity Juice, Not From Concentrate

8174 Sunset Blvd., Suite #993
Los Angeles, CA 90046
(718)813-1296

Email: Perez@perezhilton.com
AOL Coollava1978"

What a peach. And to think he has a $170,000+ education via which he was required to intensely study Greek classics and Karen Finley and..and...the Scottish Play.

xoxo

M

--
Mackenzie Condon
Party Poopa

AOL mackenzi03

**Above picture of Perez with Long Island sophisticate Lizzie Grubman. When the team I play with at iO was throwing out team name ideas, I suggested "Lizzie Grubman's Baby Shower" but no one bit.

I also suggested "Amanda Sutherland is a CUNT"****** but no one bit that one either.

We settled with Callous

******Oops! Hope she isn't a googler!

Rollin on Nugs

2006-11-15T14:01:00.000-06:00

Thomas Middleditch, Fernando Sosa, and Matt Malinsky (all performers at iO) made a short about McNuggets that is airing on The Maury Show (yes, that Maury). It should air as soon as November 11 on an episode about the viral video phenomenon. Check out www.foreels.net to see more of their work.

Chin Interview

2006-11-15T13:56:00.000-06:00

Jason Chin is busy these days. He is directing a new incarnation of The Movie at iO, shooting a pilot for NBC's new online tv network, creating a new improv message board, and continues to improvise with iO house team MetaFive.

I caught up with Jason via email over the last couple of days. Here are his thoughts about some of the projects with which he is involved.

KYLE IN A COMA:
"Whirled News Tonight is very proud to be working with NBC/Universal to create a web-based comedy series. We're writing, directing, and starring in a show we created!

"NBC/Universal did a nationwide search and asked several comedy (sketch & improv) groups to pitch wepisodic series ideas. Whirled News Tonight pitched several ideas and they liked Arnie Niekamp's black comedy of 'Kyle in a Coma.' The Whirled News Tonight cast is writing, starring and directing the series. John Glynn is going to be our first director, then I'll do some and then other cast members as well. We just shot our first 'pilot' and it should hit Dotcomedy.com around the end of the month! We're very excited about this project."

Arnie Niekamp, the apparent originator of the Kyle in a Coma concept, wrote about the surreal shooting experience on his blog A Year of Working .

According to NBC's press release, the premise of the show is that "Kyle is in a coma -- and many of his friends are dedicated to spending a lot of time in his hospital room until he comes out of it. Boredom sets in pretty quickly, and people fall prey to the same wacky stuff they normally do. The only problem now is that they're doing it next to the body of their comatose friend."

The focus of the programming on the new channel will be original, web-exclusive material developed specifically for DotComedy. NBC says that in addition to in-house content, there will be an opportunity for user-generated viral submissions. The site will also feature classic comedy shows such as "Coach" and clips from "Saturday Night Live."

THE MOVIE:
The improvised movie began as an elective class taught by Chin at iO, and is now enjoying a Tuesday night run of shows in The Cabaret.

"The Movie was a huge part of iO when I first started. The form has a tendency to become very self-indulgent and egocentric. The group I'm working with, 'Our Feature Presentation,' is devoted to using the form techniques to heighten OTHER people's moves and characters, and to further the story instead of just doing movie-based bits. We added a Booth Person who manipulates the lights and underscores with pop tunes (a la Wes Anderson, Tarentino, etc.). Also, there's free popcorn. Come see if we're successful on Tuesdays at 8pm at the iO theater."

THE NEW MESSAGE BOARD:
What was the impetus?

"I have had an online improv news and/or journal for almost 9 nine years. I was the initiating force behind
the creation of the CIN board; I gathered the original creators (Dave Gilley, Chris McAvoy, Jeff Griggs, Steve Gadlin) and together we started it. I left the administration of that board over some admin and creative differences. To paraphrase Roger Ebert (who, I believe was paraphrasing someone else) 'The best
response to a movie you don't like is to make your own.'"

FAVORITE THINGS and THINGS TO COME:
"I prefer performing with small casts with longer running times. I'm doing MetaFive right now, which typically is only 3 or 4 people for 40 minutes. I'm looking to do more projects with 4 or less people.

"I'd have to say I'm very proud of just about everything [I've done]. The work I did at iO as Director of the Training Center, overseeing the explosive growth in the early 2000s, adding the iO Annex, managing the sea change between teaching generations.

"Dinner for Six is an improvised romantic comedy that espouses slow, relationship-based scenework and will be returning soon. Whirled News Tonight has been improvising satire for three years straight! I was very proud of my recent scripted Halloween shows. I better stop here. Otherwise I'll just keep naming stuff. I'm very proud."

Deservedly, Jason Chin.

Cry Baby, Cry

2006-11-14T11:46:00.001-06:00

This is my favorite part of the election.

I believe that is Santorum conceding the election. That part I don't care about so much. Here are the things that breakmyheart/Ilove about this picture.

1. The coordinated plaid jumpers. Yeah. I had one of those dolls. And at least six of those long fine wale corduroy dresses with a peter pan peasant blouse. Plus matching puffy headband. This is definitely her favorite one. I bet she felt pretty.

2. She is crying most likely because her dad lost and some douche bag at her Episcopalian elementary school told her that she's going to be really poor when daddy's out of a job. Also she is really not looking forward to being embarassed at school the next day when clearly the only thing she pseudo had going for her was the fact that her dad won some semblance of a popularity contest.

3. I brought American Girl dolls and stuffed animals with me places too. Yeah I dressed like them. My Samantha doll and I had matching nighties AND brass beds. I shit you not. When Tickle Me Elmo was the thing to have, I got one for Christmas...I was maybe 12 but looked about 16. I brought it with me everywhere, most memorably to a family CiCi's Pizza outing. My mother was never one to tell me what not to do. (like she never told me "don't flush used pads down toilets"..but that's another story)

4. Look at her wringing her hands. THE PAIN! THE PAIN! I really love this girl and feel horribly for her. I want to hug her. But I don't want to know her as an adult. She'll suck then.

5. Sister in back, future lesbian for sure, she really loves Rosie O'Donnell and sneaks in The View at the homes of friends with Tivo -- she is wearing a silken shirt and a chubby jowl. This is not slander, it's true.

6. I feel that I should address the boy. You know, Jeeves. What, that's not his name? I made this face when I heard that MCRIB IS BACK (hi magey). No wait. Jazz Wolfers will know. This boy is staring down the death that lives in the forest.

7. I am so heart broken over this girl (whose name is Sarah Maria) and her wooden Greek cross. She's Catholic so this is part fashion statement.

8. Santorum girls aren't allowed to wear makeup until they are old enough to amass a dowry and that is the way it should be.

God Bless America and its depressed stressed out children.

...sheee's stiiiill weaaaaaaring iiiiiiiiiit......

happier times. clearly.

2006-11-10T15:55:00.000-06:00

Holly Laurent and Jet Eveleth are entering week two of their new sketch show I Live Next Door to Horses, directed by Pat O'Brien. These two young, independent women express their intellect and quirkiness through the diverse relationships and points of view of their sometimes strange, sometimes beautiful characters, existing in scenes revolving around a fictional 1980's TV sitcom. The result is a mixture of bubble-gum-pop-comedy and dark humor. Jet and Holly create an outrageous world where vulgarity and beauty blur.

The Bastion asked Holly Laurent about the writing, rehearsing, direction, and stage decor (horsey paint by number, it appeared). Miss Laurent kindly obliged:

"For the most part every scene was written by Jet or by me; in fact I think half the scenes are Jet's and half are mine, but after we bring in a script we are open to the ideas and inspiration the other player brings, and to Pat's input. All of them would be considered sit-down-written except the closing scene with the two old ladies on the porch. That was from a long road trip where jet and i were trying to make each other laugh.

"Pat is an amazing director, he created the over-arching theme for the show, designed the music, pain stakingly works and reworks the running order but for the most part he tries to give minimal input on the scene content because he wants it to reflect our vision. But actually as I say that I recall several scenes where he gave specific direction about how it should be rewritten with a new specific vision in mind.

"Our rehearsal process was bringing in scripts that we'd been inspired to write and then Pat would give us homework as well. He would give us assignments like 'Next week I want you to bring in a scene that makes you lose from breath from being very physical, a silent scene, a scene where each character speaks one word at a time'... stuff like that. It was amazing because it brought out things in my writing I never would have found on my own.

"The horse paintings were given to me by my sister who was cleaning out her in-laws basement last summer...I never knew what I was going to do with them or why they came my way until this show came along. In fact they were added the day of the performance almost as an after-thought."

This show is funny, sweet, eccentric, stylized and pretty. These are all super positive adjectives, so it is clearly higly recommended.

I Live Next Door to Horses, Fridays at 10:30 in the Del Close Theater. Opening acts include Team Submarine (Steve O'Brien and Nate Fernald) and Garage Sketch (Pat O'Brien and Peter Grosz).

2006-11-10T15:41:00.000-06:00

I have a blog, so I should use it. What does one talk about on a blog? HOOKERS? Ok. I think that hookers should be able to hook when and where they want to, for whatever fee, unregulated. But if I was going to regulate hooking at all, I would want to regulate their clothes. Short black things? What appears to be a cashmere blend sweater from Express? A BOA?????

These sluts look confused. I think that the one wearing the pink cotton ensemble raided my closet when I was six years old. It looks big on her too, which is appropriate.

Do they get back trouble because of all of this car leaning? Why are the cars always late 90's model sedans? I'm just sayin... get that used taurus your mom bought power washed.

2006-10-23T13:30:00.000-05:00

If you feel uneasy roving door to door for candy, there are a few Halloween options in Chicago comedy land – but only for the not so faint of heart.

Uptown, Annoyance Theater's macabre Splatter Theater parodies teenie bopper slasher films. The "Splatter" refers to the gallons of blood which fly across the stage. By the conclusion of the production, 13 characters die 13 gruesome deaths.

This Cop (who bears a striking resemblance to improviser Chris Witaske) looks upstanding!

Because the new stage at the Annoyance is a virginal shade of white, after the show, cast members rush out to repaint it:

If you are queasy and do not like the smell of raw meat, then Jason Chin's Halloween show is a less cadaverous option. Be forewarned, there are very, very loud noises that may cause one to spill drinks on oneself. Oops.

Next Friday the iO Halloween show is having a special 8:30 show at the Del Close Theater followed by a party.

Dates and times for each production are available at www.annoyanceproductions.com and www.iochicago.net.

2006-10-23T13:14:00.000-05:00

There is a new trend in the Chicago sketch scene: corny, tongue in cheek, subtly dirty musical comedies. Unlike the breed of self important Broadway musicals, these shows have the feeling of a sketch show where the best characters and bits just happen to keep coming back in song.

Listen Kid, by Improv Olympic alum and current Colbert Report writer Peter Gwinn, is a hilarious show that aims to teach lessons to children that their parents wouldn't have the balls to tackle.

That said, do not bring your kids, but do keep an open mind to their advice: everyone could probably stand to hear a song about the fact (yes, FACT) that having a friend with benefits will eventually go awry.

Listen Kid stars seven Chicago improvisers (members of Merman, DSI's The Beatbox, and Baby Wants Candy, to name a few) who can actually sing, and is directed by Rich Prouty. It is running Thursdays at 8 through December 21 at the Del Close Theater at i.O.

Band Geeks: A Halftime Musical features the impressive geometric choreography of the 1989 Elyria Pioneer Marching Band. The book was written by Amy Petersen and Becky Eldridge, two "band fags" who happened to march together in real life for their high school band, also called the Elyria Pioneer Marching Band, also circa 1989. Andy Eninger, of GayCo productions, directs the show.

After a successful run at the New York Fringe Festival in August, the band has returned to Chicago. Thank god, because these characters are worth seeing. Particularly a goth girl and her Ouija Board...and a Mennonite flautist...and a knocked up majorette. Basically everyone whom, in retrospect, I wish I could have been friends with in high school.

Time Out Chicago described Band Geeks as "convulsively funny" and the Chicago Tribune noted "it's no wonder this show has become a late-night hit." Go see it! And be ready to convulse at the funny.

Band Geeks runs Fridays and Saturdays at 11:30 pm through November 4 at Theatre Building Chicago.

2006-09-09T13:08:00.000-05:00

I'm a big fat hypocrite.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MICHAEL MOORE:

Hello Mister Moore,

Here is another piece of hate mail to put in your ever-growing pile.

Why do you insist upon littering our movie and television screens with your sensationalistic bullshit? Why are you so mind-numbingly, unbendingly liberal? Do you defend your lies only with the excuse that your opposition lies as well? Do you really think every single thing that you say is true? Why are you still fat? How much money did you make this year? Why are you so mean? Why are you so manipulative? Do you get laid often? Are they cute?

This morning I read that you announced two insipid new projects inToronto: Sicko, about the health insurance business, and Slacker, concerning the aftermath of the 2004 elections.

I most likely won't see them, unless one of my liberal professors forces me to. This has been the case in the past. I have only seen an episode of The Awful Truth, which would have been a million times less awful if Janeane Garofalo wasn't in it.

I feel like I don't need to see your shitty "reality based" movies because you're a one trick pony who knows his audience so well that you can recognize their lack of intelligence and that they take your word as god's. I feel like I can watch you screaming at some pundit on tv and I've just seen all of your movies.

I'm just saying.

I hope Sicko has nothing to do with socialized health care. I hope that Slacker has everything to do with your failed personal campaigns against America.

Respectfully,

The Yellow Rag Project

2006-09-08T21:30:00.000-05:00

Oops.

"Man charged with growing marijuana on land where two bodies were found."

Clearly, these men were killed by marijuana plants.

In the mean time...

Oooooh! Pretty!

2006-09-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

A bipartisan group of senators have pussied up to an intellectual property bill which will attempt to obliterate peer-to-peer file sharing systems.

I don't like this because I'm too poor and lazy to make my way to the record store, and I REALLY don't like this because governmental meddling in intellectual properties of citizens only leads to more censorship. Sigh.

Bill Frist warns us all!!! "When our copyright laws are blatantly ignored or threatened, an enormous sector of our economy and creative culture is threatened."

Little Billy made the best finger paintings in grade school.

2006-09-08T21:10:00.000-05:00